Seeking Balance

someoneThe past few months have been a whirlwind. My normal is a calendar filled with fun activities I’ve chosen and commitments I’ve made to people in my life to share in theirs. The past few months have been no different. What is different is I met a man in January who I’ve been spending a lot of time getting to know. He dove into my life and embraced it. I’ve been included in his in a way that I never have been by a man before. We seem so compatible and I feel like he is in the same place emotionally as me.

A month into the relationship I’m out of town for work for eleven straight days and he texts me on a Saturday night that he has been picked up for DWI. I reserve judgment. He tells me this is the last part of his old life that he hasn’t left behind. That he doesn’t want to be that person any longer. There are too many good things between us for me to walk away even though we are only one month in. So I immediately decide to see what happens. For the next week he’s apologizing all over himself, saying he will make it up to me, telling me he is sorry….. When I get home I ask him what he thought I would do. He says he figured I wouldn’t want to have to deal with it. I said that I wouldn’t deal with it, that it was his problem to deal with. I explained that for me this was an opportunity to see how he handles himself in a bad situation. I say this is an opportunity for him to see how I handle bad situations too. There will be more through our lives. He nods. I wonder and wait does he keep his promises? Accept responsibility fully? Change?

This brings me back to earth and as the initial intense attraction and newness wears off I find myself analyzing him, me and us. My insecurities set in. Maybe he’s getting tired of sex with me. Maybe he’s thinking he made a mistake and I’m not who he thought I was. I over analyze his teasing behavior. Will this turn into meanness? Is it a veiled attempt to change me? I listen to the descriptions of personal and work relationships from the past and wonder where does the truth lie? Who was ‘at fault’. I wonder does he have a martyr syndrome, did all this stuff happen like this? I realize the only thing that will reveal answers is time and being objective.

I’m thankful I wrote this post last year outlining what I wanted from a relationship with a man. I refer back this often and it reinforces this new relationship. One thing sticks out to me tonight “I want to be with a man who includes me in his life, joins in my life and allows balance.” Balance is slipping away. But I’m letting balance slip away and becoming consumed by the relationship in some aspects. Its not him. At least I don’t think it is. So now its time to pull back a bit I realize. Tell him I need more time to myself. I need less time on the phone each night, a few hours to myself each weekend. See the reaction and learn something more about this man.

This will be hard for me. Even though I still know my happiness comes from within. I am a happy person. There is no fear of losing him. I don’t think he would leave me but if he did I would go on the same happy person I discovered I was the end of last year living the same full life. Disappointing others is difficult for me. Standing up for myself in personal relationships is stressful for me. It will take some mental preparation and pep talks.

I find myself craving time for simple things like organizing my house, exercising, sitting on the couch with my dogs and cats and most of all writing down my thoughts. When I don’t get to write here or in my journal my thoughts and feelings feel jumbled, unorganized and that makes me feel stressful. I need time to decompress and read a book, cook myself a healthy meal and make time to meet new neighbors.

These are things I will remember when I find the words to tell this man that I need more time to myself.

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