Stronger

After a several one line replies to my emails from TG I finally got the hint that he doesn’t want to talk to me.  So I stopped emailing him.  It makes me sad because I did want to stay in touch with him.  Though I’m sure I will hear from him again someday or run into him somewhere it will never be the same.  So I’m sad.  And I worry about him though part of me thinks he is probably moving on more quickly than me.  He was after all already looking for someone else before we broke up.  And he wasn’t as emotionally attached as me as I was to him.

Strength

I remind myself about ten times a day – he doesn’t want me.  Somehow that seems to help.

Though I am toying with the idea of trying online dating again I’m once again enjoying the freedom of singleness.  TG never tried to control any of my time but I did set aside alot of time to spend with him because I wanted to.  The past weeks I’ve worked late, went out with friends, spent more weekend time with my little sister and her family, dedicated more time to reading and reflecting and committed to doing whatever I felt like committing to because I knew there were no plans in my life besides mine.  This is not a bad thing.

And tonight I am wrapping the hundreds of dollars worth of gifts I bought for a needy family that I adopted for Christmas.  Its my second year of adopting a family and its great fun.  I shopped for deals on Black Friday and bought some very nice things for a little boy and his Mom.  Their Christmas will be a little brighter this year.  And mine too because this is the main way I get to participate in the holiday season.

And I’m laughing again and thinking of other things besides TG and the sorry state of my romantic life. I’m considering returning to school for my Masters and planning a conversation with my career mentor to see what he thinks.  I’ve buckled back down at work and am getting immense amounts of work done.  I’ve joined a gym and soon start working with a personal trainer.  Providing the weather cooperates I have a ski outing on my calendar for next Saturday with a local group.  I went on a hike with another group and met a woman I hope to develop a friendship with at some point.  And next week is filled with Christmas get together’s and ski club meetings. My life is full of people and plans all the time.

For someone three weeks out of a two year relationship, only the second relationship of my life, I’d say I’m doing pretty good.  I still feel mournful for my loss, I still have that sick feeling in my stomach half the day that keeps me from eating,  I still wish things had turned out differently.  But I’m also still moving forward, still happy with my life and who I am.

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2 Responses to Stronger

  1. S. says:

    Dear Jamie,
    Your resilience amazes me. Yes, I’d say you’re doing pretty damn good. I like that you have immersed yourself in happy social situations. I’ve read the last few posts together and your transition is amazing to watch. Seriously, congrats dude.
    I love that you acknowledge the hurt and the inevitability of pain, yet you still embrace the joy. I think I have an awful lot to learn from you and you have a lot of wisdom to impart.
    Best,
    Oo – S.

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