Its easy to romanticize and remember all the good times with TG. I think about the easy comfort we shared together. How funny and smart he is and I long to talk to him. I remember the cuddling and kindness. I remember the way he pushed himself physically and how he made me feel like I could do things I never believed I could. I think about my hopes for our future and how easy it would have been to float through the rest of my life hanging out with him. That is if he wasn’t dreaming about being somewhere else with someone else all the time.
Then I remind myself. He doesn’t want me. He was already looking for someone else before we broke up. He wants to play the field and try and recapture a fleeting feeling he had with his second girlfriend. He wants to find someone he can’t stop thinking about. And me its easy for him to stop thinking about. He thinks if he finds ‘the one’ sex will be earth shattering. He thinks sex with me was blah. I remind myself of all the anxiety I felt when we were apart because I knew he didn’t love me, that there were others he wanted. I remind myself of the inadequacy I felt in the physical realm with him.
People say I’ll find someone else. Someone who appreciates me for who I am and what I have to offer. And I’m also certain there will be others. I won’t give up. But I believe that you can never have the same relationship twice. You can’t share the same experience with two different people. Just like he will never recapture that feeling he had briefly with his second girlfriend. There is not another TG out there who will love me somewhere. So I am in mourning for what could have been. Because I think what could have been was about as good as it gets.