Two years ago today I met TG. Saturday night after a stunning bit of information casually given to me by TG I told him I couldn’t see him anymore. After he shared this I felt sadness and disappointment but not anger. Out loud I said, this is worse than I thought. I wonder where my anger has gone? When people treat me badly now I find it hard to get angry. Is that normal or is there something wrong with me?
I’m actually embarrassed to share what happened with TG with friends because it shows just how little this man I’ve been seeing for two years cares about me and our relationship. How could I have been so foolish? Stunned describes exactly how I am feeling. Just eyes wide, brain wondering how this could have happened, still not fully comprehending the information. Choking back tears at inopportune times. Wondering did I miss something that made him think this this would be ok?
The worst part is I miss my friend. I felt like I have never had a better friend in my life. But the friendship must not have meant much of anything to him. Or did he think that I was door mat material and would never leave him? Did he have to up the ante and do something awful just to make sure that I would leave him to prove to himself that nobody can love him? I must be really hard to get rid of.
I still find it hard to write him off completely. I waver between wondering if every moment we spent together was all a charade or if the potential I see in the man is real. Is my judgement really that bad I wonder?
So like yesterday and today, tomorrow I will get up, put one foot in front of the other, try to earn my paycheck, keep up with my normal routine and every time my phone chirps I will pathetically hope its a message from him.