Its been a long time (if ever) since I’ve been in a romantic relationship where I felt secure with full commitment from my partner. For years I was with a guy who lied to me and made me feel like I deserved it. From a secret match.com account to emails from women whom it was clear he was or was trying very hard to have a relationship with to being arrested for solicitation to condoms showing up in the wash to outright telling me he was with someone else. I know he was not faithful even when he promised me he was. Its was not paranoia. Its fact.
A male friend is bewildered that I am in this relationship for two years with a guy who tells me he’s not in love with me. My friend tells me that this guy is yanking my chain pretty good. He tells me that I’m a catch and shouldn’t put up with a guy that tries to keep me guessing. When I tell a female friend that I’m not sure I wouldn’t try online dating again if I’m ever single again. She says from what you’ve told me you will be single again. But what do I think?
I’m beginning to think its all about security. TG says he “feels like I think of him with exclusion of all others”. But that he is “not there with me yet”. And I think yes that is how I feel/think about you. I listen to him tell me of his thoughts and analyze himself. I can justify his baggage, after all I come with my own fairly heavy load. But I crave having the feeling of a partner whom I feel thinks of me with exclusion to others. I wonder what is that like. To be secure that my partner is more interested in keeping me than making the next conquest.
Then today I see on the history of my computer that TG has used it to stalk the Facebook profile of one of his crushes-yet again from my computer. And I feel disrespected. It seems he’s obviously lost to me if he can’t resist looking at her one stinking morning from my computer because he’s forgotten his tablet. I haven’t said anything to him. We’ve had this conversation already so what is the point. He probably wants me to find it, he must know that I will look. He has already labeled me as jealous once, which I corrected to be suspicious.
So today as I struggle with feelings of dissatisfaction in my relationship on the level of commitment my partner has to me I wonder often if I’m too suspicious because of my past. Am I damaged and not able to trust someone? Am I expecting too much from my partner? Am I being unfair to someone who is honest (I think) with me.
I remind myself about what my counselor has said to me before. If it bothers me, I’m not expecting too much. If it hurts me, then its not okay. If I don’t like it, I don’t have to put up with it. There’s always a choice and I should respect how I feel.
But its hard to give up on someone when you see so much potential, so much to like, so much to love. Its hard to find someone you are comfortable and compatible with. I cherish the time I spend with him. I try to decide is this enough? Is this as good as it gets?