Triggers

I’ve often heard other victims of domestic abuse, ex-military or other victims of violence or emotional abuse talk about triggers. “That song is a trigger for me I can’t listen to any station it might play on.” or “Driving past that place is a trigger for me so I loop around it.” I never quite understood what they were talking about until this weekend.

TG and I were hiking in the Adirondacks this weekend. We crossed over a bridge that I was arguing we walked past not over on our way up the mountain and he was insisting we had crossed. Arguing means disagreeing and not much more. Suddenly he yells fiercely at me, words I don’t understand. I jump, my hands fly to my face, I’m shaking and think ‘there’s the monster’ and start to quietly cry. All of this I see as if I’m standing there watching myself. I have a look of terror. All of this takes a few seconds but its in slow motion. Then I realize that he was trying to scare the hiccups out of me. I’m shaken, he apologizes.

It was the sudden, unexpected lashing out that got me. Its worse when its someone you trust. I was emotional for about an hour but the more I thought about it I decided it was a good thing. I can react to being treated unfairly instead of being numb. This will save me from getting involved with another abuser. The feeling that its not right will keep my perspective clear.

The hiccups did disappear.

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