I feel like I’m heading into another period of my life where I am at peace. I feel a sense of calm and rightness in my life. I feel like I can start to let go and just let what happens, happen without stressing out about what comes next and whether I’m making the right choices. Its not giving up control. Its more about having a sense of calm with the decisions I make and knowing that things are exactly as they should be. Its about trusting myself.
After a couple emotional months where TG and I went through some mutual soul baring and a brief two week break up we are back together. Though the relationship feels more fragile to me I’m at peace today. I feel like I’m once again living as the center of my own universe. Not trying to force someone else to play that role for me. It feels good to be an adult, to own my choices.
I’ve been reading a self-published book by Carolyn Bushong, Loving Him Without Losing You. Its not just reading but exercises the author asks you to do that are more about figuring out who you are and what you believe in than about a man. I’ve found it useful and I’ve been taking my time reading, absorbing and really trying to do all the exercises. So I only pick up the papers when I am not tired and really feel like working on it. I’ve spent so much time in my life trying to figure out other people and what is expected that I haven’t reflected inwardly on what makes me me.
I’m finding it easy again to be alone. I had a stretch where if I was alone I dwelt on relationships and trying to figure everyone else out which led to loneliness and a feeling of inadequacy. Now I’m finding joy and relaxation in being alone again. I can concentrate on the things I need and be happy being alone. Someone recently gave me a copy of The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer and I find it quite profound. I have a copy of it hanging on my refrigerator and I read it every day.
I feel excited to be alive, fortunate in my job, proud of my family, grateful for my health and so lucky to have all the people that are in my life today. I’m in a beautiful, uncomplicated place and hope to stay here for a long, long time.